winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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