I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
