I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
