Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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