My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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