It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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