well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
