Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
