Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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