so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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