Everything about him screamed your future.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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