sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
