I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
