Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
