fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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