We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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