Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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