i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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