WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
love makes seman taste better
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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