wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
