Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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