he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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