I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
