I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
