well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
