I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
