I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
