I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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