Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
