And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
