nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Farmville is her only friend.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
