dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
