Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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