If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
