how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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