Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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