ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
