now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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