I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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