hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
