I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He shit in the fireplace
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
