I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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