After last night, I could never be a politician.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
