Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
