I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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