According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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