my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
