There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
