life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
