If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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