you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
