i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
How did I end up in the pool?!
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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