then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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