Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
