dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
