you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
