Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
