When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
