I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
