No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
