my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize