Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
