I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize