theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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